微博上看到这个段子，赶快收集下来了。

• During his own Google interview, Jeff Dean was asked the implications if P=NP were true. He said, "P = 0 or N = 1." Then, before the interviewer had even finished laughing, Jeff examined Google’s public certificate and wrote the private key on the whiteboard.
• Compilers don’t warn Jeff Dean. Jeff Dean warns compilers.
• The rate at which Jeff Dean produces code jumped by a factor of 40 in late 2000 when he upgraded his keyboard to USB 2.0.
• Jeff Dean builds his code before committing it, but only to check for compiler and linker bugs.
• When Jeff Dean has an ergonomic evaluation, it is for the protection of his keyboard.
• All pointers point to Jeff Dean.
• gcc -O4 emails your code to Jeff Dean for a rewrite.
• Jeff Dean once failed a Turing test when he correctly identified the 203rd Fibonacci number in less than a second."
• The speed of light in a vacuum used to be about 35 mph. Then Jeff Dean spent a weekend optimizing physics."
• Jeff Dean was born on December 31, 1969 at 11:48 PM. It took him twelve minutes to implement his first time counter."
• Jeff Dean escews both Emacs and VI. He types his code into zcat, because it's faster that way.
• When Jeff Dean sends an ethernet frame there are no collisions because the competing frames retreat back up into the buffer memory on their source nic.
• Unsatisfied with constant time, Jeff Dean created the world's first O(1/n) algorithm.
• When Jeff Dean goes on vacation, production services across Google mysteriously stop working within a few days. This is actually true.
• Jeff Dean was forced to invent asynchronous APIs one day when he optimized a function so that it returned before it was invoked.
• When Jeff Dean designs software, he first codes the binary and then writes the source as documentation.
• Jeff Dean wrote an O(n^2) algorithm once. It was for the Traveling Salesman Problem.
• Jeff Dean once implemented a web server in a single printf() call. Other engineers added thousands of lines of explanatory comments but still don't understand exactly how it works. Today that program is the front-end to Google Search.
• True: Jeff once simultaneously reduced all binary sizes by 3% AND raised the severity of a previously known low-priority python bug to critical-priority in a single change that contained no python code.
• Jeff Dean can beat you at connect four. In three moves.
• When your code has undefined behavior, you get a seg fault and corrupted data. When Jeff Dean's code has undefined behavior, a unicorn rides in on a rainbow and gives everybody free ice cream.
• When Jeff Dean fires up the profiler, loops unroll themselves in fear.
• Jeff Dean is still waiting for mathematicians to discover the joke he hid in the digits of PI.
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• When Jeff has trouble sleeping, he Mapreduces sheep.
• When Jeff Dean listens to mp3s, he just cats them to /dev/dsp and does the decoding in his head.
• When Graham Bell invented the telephone, he saw a missed call from Jeff Dean.
• Jeff Dean's watch displays seconds since January 1st, 1970. He is never late.
• Jeff starts his programming sessions with 'cat > /dev/mem'.
• One day Jeff Dean grabbed his Etch-a-Sketch instead of his laptop on his way out the door. On his way back home to get his real laptop, he programmed the Etch-a-Sketch to play Tetris.
• Jeff Dean writes directly in binary. He then writes the source code as a documentation for other developers.
• Jeff Dean once shifted a bit so hard, it ended up on another computer.
• The x86-64 spec includes several undocumented instructions marked 'private use'. They are actually for Jeff Dean's use.
• When he heard that Jeff Dean's autobiography would be exclusive to the platform, Richard Stallman bought a Kindle.
• Jeff Dean can write infinite recursion functions…and have them return.
• Jeff Dean can unit test entire applications with a single assertJeff Dean can determine the exact position and velocity of an electron.
• Jeff Dean doesn't kill processes, he slays them.
• Why did Vint Cerf invent the Internet? Because Jeff Dean didn't have time.
• All Jeff Dean's code is pure. For fun, he once wrote a function with a side effect, that side effect is known as Gmail.